I have photographed so so much during my life. I have several thousands of digital photos on my hard drive. I have negatives and I have old full photo albums from the years when there were no digital cameras. I remember looking at your photos and thinking I want to do that too. I remember when you gave me a camera from your collection, a Nikon FM2, and when I later showed you some of the photos I had taken with it you gave me good feedback and I was so proud to hear that. I remember that as a child I wanted to become an artist just like you.

Because when you have searched long enough for happiness, but have not found it, you suddenly realize that the only place where you have not yet looked is inside yourself. And then you feel that happiness can be to create. – P.J

Now you are gone and I am of course filled with guilt because I did not do some things differently. When and why did I become a person who can just shut my eyes and stop caring because I do not want to deal with things. I did not want the sorrow, so I did not get a taste of happiness either. I hate it when people say that they do not keep in touch with someone because the other person is not making any effort to keep the relationship alive or does not seem interested. I have learned this the hard way and I need to get it out; what if you made the first move anyway? You have nothing to lose, only your time that you like to think you do not have enough of (an excuse). But your family is worth your time. I however never seem to learn this myself and then I suffer inside. It is not nice to look back and regret some choices, so maybe do something about things while you still can.

But I loved you grandpa, and I know you loved me too. Hope you are proud of me, because I am proud of you.